Being a Compassionate Host, As Things Get Better

Hello fellow humans. We are entering a strange time. Not only are we unprepared for this, we have been actively DE-prepared for this by the isolating circumstances of this last year.

Vaccinations are happening. Not just to doctors and nurses and grandmothers, but to people we know! Maybe even us! However, it’s important to remember that not everyone has had the privilege of getting one right away or last month or next week.

I remember last year, coronavirus was all anyone could talk about, because it was terrifying and affected all of our lives. Now that the vaccine is here, it is a powerful provider of hope, and affects everyone’s lives just as much, so of course, it’s all most people can talk about. However, circumstance and privilege means not everyone is in the same situation.

I’m in a somewhat unique situation, in that most of my friends have been vaccinated due to a friend’s luck in finding and spreading the word about a volunteer opportunity that included a free shot. Being in a liberal city, anyone I know who hasn’t gotten poked, plans to, and is currently waiting. The cases per population in my state is low compared to others. So, I am, essentially, living a few weeks in the future in terms of social climate and pandemic safety level. And let me tell you, from recent practical experience, hosting gatherings in this time period is a straight up bear trap, and requires copious forethought and preparation.

We have all been through so much fear and trauma over the past year. That makes it super duper extra important to show empathy and compassion to our friends. Use your head. Invent some kind of Dr. Fauci/Ms. Manners mashup character and put it on your shoulder and listen to it. Be aware of how dry your life raft may seem to friends who are still trying desperately to dodge sharks and swim to shore, and take this inequity into consideration in your choice of words and actions.

I like inviting friends over. A LOT. I like thinking about stuff like non-alcoholic options, designating low sensory-zones, moderating sound level to fit the mood of the room, crash space availability. So, now that hosting gatherings is becoming safe again, I’ve got some thoughts about hosting things “Post Pandemic During The Phase When Protection is Not Universal”. Turns out, it’s a lot like having a bowl of gluten free tortilla chips, and also, nothing like that at all.

Things to do:

• Plan events that are safe and accessible to everyone, i.e. outside, lots of space for social distancing, low numbers of guests, monitor your area’s case level just like the weather and plan accordingly.
• Check in with attendees regarding their preferred precautions well before the event, to avoid putting them on the spot in a face to face situation. Start negotiations at the level of masks and social distancing regardless of their protection status. Don’t spend time trying to convince anyone it is safe to agree to more relaxed precautions (even if it technically is). This game is about science, sure, but it’s more about feelings.
• Set expectations and policies beforehand with all guests, even folks who have already been to events you’ve hosted during the pandemic.
• Have everyone follow the same set of rules, and ensure those rules are set to protect the most vulnerable folks at the gathering. Obviously, do not point out the most vulnerable folks at the gathering. If you do not know who the most vulnerable folks at the gathering are, do not try to find out to “protect them better”. If you are doing your job as host, the event is already protecting them.
• Be cognizant of conversation topics. Maybe several folks comparing second dose side effects for twenty minutes is making someone else feel awkward and excluded. Change the subject! Maybe collaboratively dream up plans that are far enough in the future that everyone will be on equal safety footing again.
• Try to be vigilant and look for cues that someone might be having a very tough time, and maybe have a plan or at least some words prepared to give them an “out”. Anxiety around crowds or new triggers from loss or trauma will likely be something that happens.
• Have backup. Having a handful of folks over in your yard is somehow more difficult now than it was before vaccine rollout.

Things not to do:

• Loudly announce that you are vaccinated.
• Loudly point out others who are vaccinated.
• Talk about the pandemic in the past tense
• Disclose anyone else’s vaccination status without their explicit consent
• Encourage or prompt people to state their vaccination status.
• Have different spaces or rules based on vaccination status
• Exclude or invite people based on vaccination status
• Put anyone on the spot about rules, expectations, or needs that could have been discussed before the event during the event
• Change distancing/safety policy between similar get-togethers without notifying all guests.

And ok, yeah, this doesn’t apply to everyone or everything. Odds are conversations will go to places where people feel safe and want to talk about whether or not they have gotten the “Fauci Ouchie”, and those conversations will likely feel a lot less jarring if they come up organically. Telling stories about having dinner with your parents who are now immune, or giving a friend a goodbye-hug when you both determine it is ok probably won’t make anyone around you feel horrible. If you are unable to be outside for a long time because of health issues, hey, cool, host inside with people you can have inside with you safely. I don’t think anybody should fault a person who has been living alone for the better part of a year for having a couple vaccinated friends over for a snuggly movie night. Nobody needs to explain themselves. Everyone is on their own journey, in their own unique situation with lots of different mental and physical health factors. But we can think more critically about how to navigate what is an inequitable and very touchy situation, and these are the thoughts I personally came to, this is what feels right for me.

I just think it’s really important to be thoughtful, ahead of time, about how we will comport ourselves as we transition back into casual social events, things like bonfires, barbeques, birthday celebrations. It’s happening. Right now. Nobody is ready and we don’t have a rule book. It’s going to be a mix of both vaccinated and unvaccinated people for a while. And one thing I do think applies to everyone reading this is, you’re going to have to put some thought into changing the way your events look, once again, not just for physical safety, but the psychological safety of what is now a group of folks living in somewhat parallel universes.